TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, positive, let's have One more position where by American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: present Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after locating the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It can be not just unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, total with climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is presently attracting attention from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even consist of:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel in which my PTSD may have flip-down services."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers stress Trump Tower Damascus the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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